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  THE GOVERNOR

  Washa com’n t’ me ’bout law for? Why ’nsha go t’ court ’bout law?

  COUNSEL

  We’ve been to court, Yexcellency. We applied to the Supreme Court two months ago for a new trial, on the basis of the evidence which Yexcellency has just listened to, and which, praps I should have explained sooner, was not presented at the original trial because Farms had no idea at that time of the importance of his citizenship and neglected to inform me of the peculiar circumstances attending his birth. And the court denied the application, on the ground that while this evidence, if it had been presented at the trial, might have resulted in the granting of a motion to dismiss, it could not properly be regarded as new evidence, as it is essentially evidence of lack of evidence on the part of the State, rather than direct evidence of innocence.

  THE PROSECUTOR

  In other words, Yexcellency is being asked to certify that if the dog hadn’t stopped to scratch fleas he would have caught the rabbit.

  COUNSEL

  Not in the least, Yexcellency—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Y’ know what? Y’ both pair pett-fogg’n lawyersh. Y’ ’sgrace t’ bar. Farmsh! C’me here. I’ll do this m’self. Sit there, where c’n see y’.

  THE PETITIONER

  Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, Governor.

  THE GOVERNOR

  A’ right, Farmsh, shpeak right up now. Y’ needn’t shtan’ ’n awe ’f me. ’M plain, blunt man ’n got heart’s big’s all outdoorsh. Washa got say f’ y’self?

  THE PETITIONER

  Governor, all I got to say is I went out there when them miners was gathering by the creek forks just to see what was going on—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Thash shtuff! Facksh! Motivesh! Tha’s wha’ want. G’ on, Farmsh. What ’en?

  THE PETITIONER

  And then when they marched down the road, I went along with them just for fun, and then two months afterwards, when they come and arrested me, I didn’t have no more idea what they meant than the man in the moon, and—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Now we com’n. G’ on.

  THE PETITIONER

  And then they sent me up. And—and …

  THE GOVERNOR

  Farmsh, now I ask y’ some’n. If I was t’ set y’ free, what would y’ do ’th y’ lib’ty?

  THE PETITIONER

  If you was to set me free, Governor, the first thing I would do would be to go to the judge and get my citizenship fixed up—

  THE PROSECUTOR

  That’s great! I’ll say that’s great! There you are, Yexcellency, right out of their own mouths! First this man isn’t guilty because maybe the prawscution couldn’t have proved his citizenship. And the first thing he’s going to do if he gets a pardon is to get his citizenship fixed up! If that doesn’t—

  COUNSEL

  Not at all, Yexcellency. In fact, I resent the imputation of—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Shtop! F’ God’s sake shtop! [To the Secretary] C’mute’ sen’ce ’mpris’nment f’ life!

  THE PETITIONER

  What? Oh my God!

  THE PROSECUTOR

  Hunh?

  COUNSEL

  But, Yexcellency—

  THE GOVERNOR

  No more! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word. ’S comp’mise. ’S comp’mise, I know it’s comp’mise. But’s bes’ c’n do. Who y’ think y’ are, tak’n up my time way y’ have? Don’ min’ f m’self. ’M plain, blunt man ’n give y’ shirt off m’ back, ’f y’ need it. But my time b’longsh t’ people. Y’ und’shtan’ ’at? My time b’longsh t’ people, ’n wha’ y’ do with it? I ashk y’ f’ facksh ’n y’ come in here ’th noth’n but tech’calitiesh! Tech’calitiesh I said! Pett’fogg’n! Triffl’n detailsh! Dog! Fleash! Rabbit! Poetry! ’M done with it! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word!

  COUNSEL

  But really, Yexcellency—

  THE PETITIONER

  Yeah, a fine lawyer you was. First you git me sent up for ten year and now you git me sent up for life—

  THE WITNESS

  Yeah, and a fine thing the Coal City Volunteer Fire Department done for the country when they pulled you out of the sewer—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Wha’s ’at? Wha’s at?

  COUNSEL

  I’m just trying to tell Yexcellency—

  THE GOVERNOR

  Jus’ minute, jus’ minute! … The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment! Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? So Farmsh, y’ were memb’ ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment?

  THE PETITIONER

  Well …I reckon I was, in a way, Governor. I reckon I was, ha ha! I reckon I was kind of born to it, ha ha ha! I reckon I must be pretty near the only person in the world that was ever born to a fire department, ha ha, ha ha!

  THE GOVERNOR

  Farmsh, ’m g’n ask y’ some’n. Look m’ ’n eye, Farmsh. Farmsh, y’ guilty ’r y’ not guilty?

  THE PETITIONER

  Governor, I hope my die I ain’t no more guilty than you are.

  THE GOVERNOR

  Farmsh, I believe y’ tell’n’ me truth. Farmsh, y’ free man.

  THE PETITIONER

  Oh my Gawd, Governor, thank you sir, thank—!

  THE GOVERNOR

  The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment. Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? …

  [While the Secretary makes out a pardon and the GOVERNOR signs it, the group breaks up in a round of hand-shaking, the lawyers to go out and have a drink together, the petitioner to go back to the penitentiary for the last formalities. When they have all gone, the GOVERNOR still sits nodding to himself and presently falls amiably asleep.]

  The Legislature

  THE THIRD ROOM ON your left as you enter the south wing of the State Capitol. It is an afternoon in midwinter, and three gentlemen, MESSRS. HAYES, LOMAN, and FRIEND, are sitting at one end of the table. They constitute a quorum of the Committee on Education of the House of Representatives, and before them is a large pile of bills, resolutions, and memoranda.

  MR. HAYES

  Well, looking at them don’t do no good.

  MR. LOMAN

  It sure don’t.

  MR. HAYES

  Might as well get busy.

  MR. LOMAN

  A hell of a fine time them other guys on this committee picked to get the flu!

  MR. HAYES

  How you say we do? Take up them schoolhouses, or leave them wait till we got a couple other things out of the way first?

  MR. LOMAN

  Leave them schoolhouses till last. They was referred jointly anyhow, and it ain’t no use of us wasting no sweat on them till Ways and Means has said what they’re goin’ to do.

  MR. HAYES

  All right, then. Authorizing constable of town of Gale’s Island to act as truant officer. Authorizing commissioners of town of Shawville to close certain streets to motor traffic during hours when public schools are in session. Them things don’t amount to nothing and here’s about forty more just like them. Shoot them right through, hey? Report them favorable and be done with it?

  MR. LOMAN

  Hell, yes.

  MR. HAYES

  All set on them, then.

  MR. LOMAN

  Pitch them over to one side. That’s a start anyways.

  MR. HAYES

  All right, then. Le’s get on this here Evolution Bill. Bill prohibiting the teaching of certain doctrines in educational institutions supported in whole or in part by public funds. What do you say on that?

  MR. LOMAN

  I say that bill ought to been passed about ten years ago.

  MR. HAYES

  That bill hits me pretty good too. Still, it’s pretty important, so I guess we better consider it some.

  MR. LOMAN

  What’s the use of considering? I don’t need no considering to know how I’m going to vote.

  MR. HAY
ES

  How you feel about that, Mr. Friend?

  MR. FRIEND

  Hanh?

  MR. HAYES

  This here Evolution Bill. We’re getting ready to report on it now and we kind of want to make sure we got the right idea about it.

  MR. FRIEND

  Hunh.

  MR. HAYES

  So if you got anything to say about it, now is the time to say it.

  MR. FRIEND

  They hadn’t ought to kill no cows thouten they pay for them.

  MR. LOMAN

  Now, what in the hell has the Committee on Education got to do with cows?

  MR. HAYES

  No, this ain’t the Tubercular Cattle Bill. This is the Evolution Bill. Or Anti-evolution Bill, some of them calls it.

  MR. LOMAN

  Evolution!

  MR. FRIEND

  I ain’t deef.

  MR. HAYES

  You read it.

  MR. FRIEND

  Maybe I read it.

  MR. LOMAN

  He ain’t asked maybe did you read it. He asked did you read it. Come on. If you ain’t deef, then act like you was awake.

  MR. FRIEND

  What’s reading got to do with it?

  MR. HAYES

  Well, we’re kind of busy this afternoon, Mr. Friend, and it would kind of save time if you had read the bill.

  MR. FRIEND

  I reckon I can read it if I have to. Where’s it at?

  MR. LOMAN

  You mean to say you been a member of this Legislature a whole month and attended all the hearings this committee has held and ain’t read that bill yet?

  MR. HAYES

  Now, Loman, it don’t do no good to get sore.

  MR. LOMAN

  No, but what does the taxpayers pay a bum like that for?

  MR. FRIEND

  All right. Where’s it at?

  MR. HAYES

  Well, Mr. Friend, it’s pretty late in the day to start reading the bill now. I reckon the best way is for us to kind of explain to you what’s in it. Then you can tell us how you feel about it.

  MR. FRIEND

  I can read. But I ain’t all the time bragging on it.

  MR. LOMAN

  I bet you ain’t.

  MR. HAYES

  Well, le’s see. Le’s see now. Le’s see how I can put it.

  MR. FRIEND

  I never seen such a place in my life. They can’t never do nothing thouten some man stands up and starts reading something. All the time showing off how good they can read. Up my way the people ain’t got time for all this here reading.

  MR. LOMAN

  They can read them pain-killer ads though.

  MR. HAYES

  Well, first off, Mr. Friend, you know what this here evolution is, don’t you?

  MR. FRIEND

  Maybe.

  MR. LOMAN

  You say maybe oncet more and maybe you stay where you’re sitting and maybe you take a dive in that spittoon.

  MR. FRIEND

  Yeah, I hear tell of it. I hear the preachers talk about it plenty of time.

  MR. HAYES

  And you know what it is?

  MR. FRIEND

  Mister, go ahead and do your talking. Don’t worry about me. I’ll git the hang of it time you git done.

  MR. HAYES

  The main idea, the way I get it, is that men is descended from monkeys.

  MR. FRIEND

  Hunh?

  MR. LOMAN

  Dam, it does break my heart to think of the people of this State paying out their money for this.

  MR. HAYES

  That men is descended from monkeys.

  MR. FRIEND

  De—?

  MR. LOMAN

  Aw hell!

  MR. HAYES

  Descended. You got a father, ain’t you?

  MR. FRIEND

  Doggone it, come on and say what you’re gitting at. I’m tired of all this here funny talk. All the time using big words. All the time talking and nobody can’t tell what it means. Sure I got a father. How you think I got here if I didn’t have no father? What you ask me that for, anyway?

  MR. LOMAN

  Just to be o’n’ry.

  MR. HAYES

  Keep out of this, will you, Loman? It’s hard enough without no help.

  MR. LOMAN

  Why don’t you go out there and talk to that tree?

  MR. HAYES

  Because the tree ain’t on the committee.

  MR. LOMAN

  That’s a dam shame.

  MR. HAYES

  Mr. Friend, we ain’t giving you no funny talk. We’re explaining this here evolution as good as we can, and we’d get along better if you would listen at what we’re trying to tell you and quit all the time putting up a bum argument about how we’re doing it.

  MR. FRIEND

  I ain’t ask you to explain me nothing. Go on and do your talking. I already told you I’ll git the hang of it time you git done. I ain’t never seen nothing yet I couldn’t git the hang of.

  MR. LOMAN

  If you was to get the hang of a manila rope, that would be a fine thing for the people of this State.

  MR. HAYES

  All right, you got a father. And you got a grandfather, ain’t you? Or maybe had one?

  MR. FRIEND

  All right. All right. Just keep on with your funny talk. All right, mister, now I’ll ask you something. If I didn’t have no grandfather, how would I have a father? How would my father of got here, hunh? Tell me that!

  MR. LOMAN

  That’s a tough one, all right.

  MR. HAYES

  Loman, just as a favor to me, will you stay out of this and quit balling it up? All right. You want to get in it, you take him awhile. See what you can do.

  MR. LOMAN

  No, thanks. I pass.

  MR. FRIEND

  You can read so good, tell me that.

  MR. HAYES

  All right, Mr. Friend, you got a father and you got a grandfather. Now you’re descended from your father and your grandfather, you got that? And your father and your grandfather, they’re descended from their father and their grandfather, you got that? And so are you descended from their father and their grandfather, and so on and so on, you got that?

  MR. FRIEND

  I already told you I ain’t deef.

  MR. HAYES

  And them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys.

  MR. FRIEND

  You quit hollering at me.

  MR. HAYES

  Hollering at you! Goddam it, I’ll crown you with a brick in a minute!

  MR. LOMAN

  Who’s balling it up now?

  MR. HAYES

  Well anyway, I ain’t balling it up on purpose.

  MR. FRIEND

  All the time hollering at me. I ain’t going to take no more of it.

  MR. HAYES

  Mr. Friend, did you hear what I just now told you about how them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys?

  MR. FRIEND

  That’s better, mister. That’s a whole lot better. You talk to me right, I’ll talk to you right.

  MR. LOMAN

  You hear that, don’t you, Hayes? Now you know where you get off.

  MR. HAYES

  Mr. Friend.

  MR. FRIEND

  Hunh?

  MR. HAYES

  Are we talking to suit you this way? Is this all right, the way I’m talking now?

  MR. FRIEND

  But that ain’t how you was talking just now. You was hollering at me.

  MR. HAYES

  Never mind how I was talking just now. Am I talking to suit you now?

  MR. FRIEND

  And another thing, mister. I’ll thank you to quit cussing at me. I ain’t no mule.

  MR. HAYES

  All right, then.

  MR. FRIEND

  I don’t allow nobody to cuss at me. You just as well understand that right now.<
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  MR. HAYES

  Where was I at?

  MR. LOMAN

  Where you was at was about them monkeys, but was you going or coming I wouldn’t like to say.

  MR. HAYES

  Oh yeah. Them monkeys. Now, Mr. Friend, have you got it all straight about that? About how them evolutionists says men is descended from monkeys?

  MR. FRIEND

  Who says so?

  MR. HAYES

  Them evolutionists.

  MR. FRIEND

  Ev—?

  MR. LOMAN

  I swear this is the worst crime I ever seen.

  MR. HAYES

  —olutionists.

  MR. FRIEND

  All right, mister, keep it up. Just keep it up. Some day the people is going to find out how things is run in this place. All the time showing off how good they can read. All the time showing off how many big words they know. All the time making speeches and using big words. I sit in that place over there every night for to help pass the laws, and then what? I can’t never git the meaning of nothing. I can’t never get the meaning on account of all them big words.

  MR. HAYES

  Well, it ain’t no other word for these people we’re talking about, Mr. Friend, so you just as well learn this one.

  MR. LOMAN

  That’s it. Just take a week off and learn it.

  MR. FRIEND

  Why don’t they talk so’s somebody can understand them?

  MR. HAYES

  All right, Mr. Friend, we won’t argue about it. We’ll just forget that word and go on with what we’re doing.

  MR. LOMAN

  What in the hell are we doing anyway?

  MR. HAYES

  We’ll just say there’s some people that says this here, and not bother about no name for them at all. Have you got it straight what they say now? That men is descended from monkeys?

  MR. FRIEND

  But I don’t never git the right meaning of nothing.

  MR. LOMAN

  Well, that’s tough, but don’t let it worry you none. You got plenty of company. If them delegates ever found out what they was voting for ’stead of getting descended from monkeys they would get ascended up into heaven. ’Cause God is the only one knows, and even He ain’t so dam sure.

  MR. FRIEND

  Monkeys!

  MR. HAYES

  That’s what we’re talking about, Mr. Friend. Monkeys.

  MR. LOMAN

  Monkey-de-monk!

  MR. FRIEND

  Ain’t these people in this place got nothing better to do, mister, than think up a whole lot of devilment about monkeys? Don’t they never do no work?

  MR. HAYES

  Never mind about whether they work or not, Mr. Friend. Have you got it straight about how men is descended from monkeys? Or supposed to be, anyhow?