Career in C Major Read online

  MR. WEMPLE

  I expect you’re right at that. Now, Moon, just to show you what a fine order we think the Ku Klux is, we’re all going to chip in a dollar so you can git took in. Ain’t we, men?

  ALL

  We sure are.

  [There is a brisk digging into pockets. MR. WEMPLE collects the money and hands it over to MR. MOON.]

  MR. WEMPLE

  There you are, Moon. Ten dollars for to git took in the Ku Klux and a dollar to git yourself a pint of corn.

  MR. MOON

  Thank you, Mr. Wemple. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.

  MR. GAIL

  Well, I reckon that’s all there is to it. Look to me like we’re done.

  MR. PETRY

  This ain’t no first degree, men. This here is manslaughter. Fact of the matter, it might be self-defense, ’cepting I always say when a man git killt, why the one that done it had ought to be found guilty of something. There’s too many people getting killt lately.

  MR. WEMPLE

  Well, Mr. Petry, that’s all right with me. If it’s all right with the rest of them….

  [ There is a moment of mumbling and nodding, which apparently betokens assent.]

  MR. GAIL

  Then it’s manslaughter.

  [He pokes his head out of the door, gives a signal to a bailiff, and in a moment they are filing back to the courtroom.]

  MR. WEMPLE

  And that’s something else I want to bring to your attention, Moon, old man. Up to the last minute, they was all for giving him first degree….

  ALL

  And fact of the matter, I always did say the Ku Klux was all right, if they’d run it right…. Why sure, Ku Klux is a fine order…. You bet…. Citizenship…. Patriotism…. All like of that….

  The Commissioners

  THE OFFICE OF THE County Commissioners, Room No. I, courthouse. It is morning. Sitting in silence around the large table in the center of the room are MR. LERCH, superintendent of the county almshouse; MR. MUKENS, janitor of the almshouse; and MR. YOST, an inmate of the almshouse. Presently MR. WADE, chairman of the Board of County Commissioners, enters through a door marked “Private.”

  MR. WADE

  I reckon you gentlemen know what I called this little meeting for. You all seen them pieces in the papers where people are getting burned up down to the almshouse, and I got to lay the matter before the commissioners, account of them people down in the lower end of the county raising so much hell about it. So I thought the thing to do was for us to kind of get together and listen to this man here that done all the talking and see what he’s got to say for hisself.

  MR. LERCH

  All I got to say, Mr. Wade, is this here stuff in the papers is a pack of lies from start to finish and that’s all there is to it. What gets me is this here man here, and the county’s been feeding him three year now, and he goes and tells them paper men a pack of lies like this here.

  MR. MUKENS

  Four year.

  MR. LERCH

  Four year, and that’s all the gratitude he’s got!

  MR. YOST

  I hope Christ may kill me if I knowed they was paper men. Then I never told them all that stuff they put in. They made up a whole lot theirself.

  MR. WADE

  I don’t want you to think it’s what you call a reflection on you, Mr. Lerch, because I know how fine you been running things out at the almshouse and all like of that. But it’s them people down in the lower end of the county. You know how they are.

  MR. LERCH

  Don’t tell me nothing about them people down in the lower end of the county, Mr. Wade. I know ’em.

  MR. MUKENS

  Half of ’em’s already in the almshouse and half of ’em got relations that’s in.

  MR. WADE

  Of course now, I believe in Christian burial.

  MR. LERCH

  Mr. Wade, every decent man believes in a Christian burial. I don’t see how them paper men can look theirself in the face to print all that stuff, just on this man’s say-so.

  MR. YOST

  I hope Christ may kill me if I told ’em all that stuff they put in. They done made a whole lot of it up.

  MR. WADE

  And the county feeding you four year! It’s just like Mr. Lerch says, you had ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  MR. LERCH

  And there ain’t nobody down there been treated no better than he is. Same as if he was in his own house, only better.

  MR. YOST

  I never knowed they was paper men. They come up to me and made out like they was just looking around.

  MR. WADE

  Well, what did you tell ’em?

  MR. YOST

  I didn’t tell ’em nothing scarcely, excepting what I hear tell, one thing another. Nothing excepting what a whole lot of them was talking around.

  MR. MUKENS

  What about that there jawbone?

  MR. WADE

  Yes, how about that there jawbone? How did they put it in about that there jawbone if you didn’t show them no jawbone?

  MR. LERCH

  Mr. Wade, you hit it right on the head. That there is just what I want to know. How did they put it in about that there jawbone if he didn’t show them no jawbone?

  MR. YOST

  I ain’t saying I didn’t tell them nothing about no jawbone. What I say is they done made up a whole lot of lies and put it in.

  MR. LERCH

  You ain’t no more seen a jawbone down there than you seen a whale. How come you to tell them men any such lie as that?

  MR. YOST

  I hope Christ may kill me if I didn’t find a jawbone down here. I got that jawbone, right here in my coat pocket.

  [He fumbles in his pocket and produces what is unquestionably a human mandible, the teeth still sticking in it.]

  MR. LERCH

  That there just goes to show what kind of man he is, Mr. Wade. He done showed them paper men that jawbone, just like they said he done.

  MR. MUKENS

  A fellow could of told he was lying, all along.

  MR. WADE

  Where did you get that jawbone?

  MR. YOST

  Found it in the ashes when I was hauling ’em away from the furnace. I pulled it right out of the bucket. Thought it was a clinker, first off, and pulled it right out of the bucket.

  MR. LERCH

  Who told you to pick the clinkers out of the bucket? You was to haul the ashes away from the furnace, and not pay no attention to them clinkers.

  MR. MUKENS

  And the county has been feeding him four year! Seems like the court had ought to take back the commitment of a fellow like that.

  MR. YOST

  Them men never said they was paper men. They just made out like they was looking around, one thing another, and then all them pieces come out in the paper.

  MR. WADE

  How do you know that there is a jawbone?

  MR. YOST

  Them men said it was a jawbone. It looks like a jawbone.

  MR. MUKENS

  That there might be a dog’s jawbone.

  MR. WADE

  What else did you tell them paper men?

  MR. YOST

  I didn’t tell them nothing. I didn’t tell them ary other thing. They done made up all the rest of them things they put in.

  MR. WADE

  How about this here piece about you seeing Mr. Lerch and Mr. Mukens throwing a stiff in the furnace?

  MR. LERCH

  Mr. Wade, you hit it. That there is just what I want to know. I just been waiting for you to ask him.

  MR. MUKENS

  Me too. I just been waiting.

  MR. YOST

  I don’t remember saying nothing about that. I don’t remember good what I did tell them, account of them not saying they was paper men, one thing another. We just kind of talked along, like of that.

  MR. WADE

  Then that there was another lie, wasn’t i
t? You didn’t see no stiff throwed on the furnace no more than I did, did you?

  MR. YOST

  I hope Christ may kill me if I didn’t see Mr. Lerch and Mr. Mukens throw a stiff right in the furnace.

  MR. WADE

  Then you did tell the paper men all this here stuff they put in, didn’t you?

  MR. YOST

  I don’t just recollect. But they done made a whole lot of it up.

  MR. LERCH

  How do you know it was a stiff?

  MR. YOST

  I knowed it was a stiff by the smell. I smell it soon as the fire hit it. Didn’t smell like no other meat. Had a kind of funny smell to it.

  MR. MUKENS

  I never heared the beat of that.

  MR. LERCH

  That there just goes to show how much truth there is in all this stuff you read in the papers.

  MR. WADE

  How come you to see all this here?

  MR. YOST

  I hid out on them. I heared a lot of talk, one thing another, and then one day I heared a fellow died in there, and I hid out on them, right down in the cellar.

  MR. WADE

  And the county has been feeding you four year!

  MR. YOST

  I hope Christ may kill me if I didn’t see them throw a stiff right in the furnace. I hid out on them, and first thing you know, I hear the door upstairs open easy like, and here come Mr. Lerch and Mr. Mukens, carrying a stiff on a stretcher, one to his head and one to his feet. Then, when they got to the furnace, Mr. Mukens throwed the door open, he did, and then him and Mr. Lerch shoved him in on the fire.

  MR. WADE

  And then you hollered for the paper men?

  MR. YOST

  I didn’t holler for no paper men, no sir! I run, I did, after Mr. Lerch and Mr. Mukens went away. And I never knowed they was paper men. They made out like they was just looking around.

  MR. WADE

  What else did you tell the paper men?

  MR. YOST

  I never told them nothing else. That there is all I told them, only they made up a whole lot theirself and put it in.

  MR. WADE

  So that there is all you seen, or think you seen?

  MR. YOST

  That there is all I seen, but I heared a plenty of talk going around.

  MR. WADE

  We don’t want to know what you heared. We want to know what you seen.

  MR. YOST

  That there is all I seen, but I heared a plenty.

  MR. LERCH

  Don’t that beat all, Mr. Wade? Here this fellow finds a jawbone somewheres around, maybe he digs it up out of the graveyard, and thinks he seen a stiff throwed in the furnace, and that’s all there is to this talk and stuff you see in the newspapers.

  MR. MUKENS

  And come to find out he don’t know if it was a stiff or not.

  MR. WADE

  Seems to me them fellows would get tired of printing all the lies they print. They could of come to me or you and none of this stuff would of come out. Now we got the people down in the lower end of the county all stirred up and the commissioners is got to act on it. You know how them people in the lower end of the county is.

  MR. LERCH

  Don’t tell me! I know them.

  MR. MUKENS

  My wife’s people lives down there, and I never seen the beat. Ain’t nothing ever suits them.

  MR. WADE

  If them fellows would only print the truth I wouldn’t mind. It’s them lies that gets me.

  MR. LERCH

  Of course now, I ain’t saying we ain’t burned some of them people up—cremating them, I call it, regular cremation. But all this stuff about not having no Christian praying for them, why there ain’t nothing to that. I’m for Christian praying same as anybody else. I been a church member for twenty-five year now, and from what them fellows has put in the paper you would think I was brother-in-law to the devil.

  MR. MUKENS

  And me his stepchild.

  MR. LERCH

  Why, Mr. Wade, the grand jury would be after me in a minute if I tried to bury all them people. I’m under a bond, I am.

  MR. WADE

  Them is the things people never understand.

  MR. LERCH [to Mr. Yost]

  How come you to tell all them lies on me, when you knowed them people gets put away as good as anybody could ask for?

  MR. YOST

  I never knowed they was paper men. If I had of knowed they was paper men, I wouldn’t never told them nothing.

  MR. LERCH

  Why, Mr. Wade, me and Mr. Mukens figured it up one night, and you ain’t got a idea what it would cost to bury all them people.

  MR. WADE

  I ain’t got no doubt of it.

  MR. MUKENS

  Something tremenjous. Nobody wouldn’t never believe it.

  MR. LERCH

  First off, Mr. Wade, the county would have to buy more land. That graveyard is all filled up down there. County would have to buy another graveyard. Then we would have to hire two extra men regular, just digging graves. It takes two men a whole morning to dig a grave, and a whole day in wintertime, when the ground is froze.

  MR. WADE

  Them is the things that runs into money.

  MR. LERCH

  Then you got to have a box. And I tell you, it ain’t like it used to be, when you could knock a dry-goods box apart and nail it together again and have as good a box as anybody could want.

  MR. MUKENS

  Them fellows is asking money for boxes, too. A dollar apiece for them, some of them gets.

  MR. LERCH

  What with the high price of lumber and carpenters’ wages, I tell you a box costs money.

  MR. WADE

  Lumber and wages is out of sight. I just finished building a storm door on my porch, not no fancy storm door, just a regular storm door, and it cost me seventy-five dollars time I was done with it.

  MR. LERCH

  It’s a shame what them fellows asks for a day’s work. There ain’t none of them will touch a job for less than ten dollars a day.

  MR. WADE

  And what’s more, they get it.

  MR. MUKENS

  They ask railroad fare to come down our way.

  MR. LERCH

  Time you figure it all up, like me and Mr. Mukens done one night, I expect it would cost twenty-five dollars a head to bury them people.

  MR. WADE

  I don’t doubt it.

  MR. MUKENS

  Every cent of it.

  MR. LERCH

  Then people don’t stop to think how many of them people dies on us down there. We had a hundred and sixty-two last year, and that’s a average of more than three a week. Wintertime is the worst, account of so many of them bums getting committed.

  MR. WADE

  They ought to send them bums to the county jail.

  MR. MUKENS

  Jail is the place for them. I always did say so.

  MR. LERCH

  Time you figure it all up, Mr. Wade, it would cost the county ten thousand dollars a year just to bury them people.

  MR. MUKENS

  And them nothing but paupers!

  MR. LERCH

  I tell you, Mr. Wade, I would be afraid for the grand jury to come down there if I had to tell them I was spending ten thousand dollars of the county’s money every year just to bury them people.

  MR. WADE

  Seems to me like them people’s relations ought to bury some of them.

  MR. YOST

  Them people’s relations that got burned up ain’t never heared tell of them after they died. Don’t even know they’re dead.

  MR. LERCH

  Who asked you to get into it? Mr. Wade is the chairman of the County Commissioners, and I would think a fellow that was in the county almshouse would have enough respect for him to shut up until somebody asked him to speak up.

  MR. YOST

  I didn’t mean nothing, only I hear te
ll a lot of them people’s relations was looking for them.

  MR. WADE

  You hear tell a plenty.

  MR. LERCH

  Well, I tell you how it is, Mr. Wade. It would seem like them people’s relations had ought to bury some of them, but I found out it don’t hardly pay to look them up. Half of them ain’t got money enough to have a funeral anyhow, and the other half you can’t find them.

  MR. WADE

  I reckon that’s right.

  MR. LERCH

  Then it makes it bad in summer if you try to keep them people while you’re looking up their relations. You got to ice them, and that costs money.

  MR. MUKENS

  They won’t keep long in summer.

  MR. WADE

  The whole trouble is them people down in the lower end of the county. Seems like them people won’t ever listen to reason.

  MR. LERCH

  Yes, it’s them people down in the lower end of the county that makes it bad. They got a couple of preachers down there that want to be called in all the time, and then when they don’t get no business they put up a holler.

  MR. YOST

  Then another thing I hear a lot of talk about, how they don’t never have no preacher called in. People dying all the time and they don’t never have no preacher.

  MR. LERCH

  Don’t that beat all, Mr. Wade? Say, how can you say them things to Mr. Wade, when you know Mr. Mukens is a preacher and you been hearing him preach every Sunday since you been down there?

  MR. YOST

  Them people want a regular preacher!

  MR. LERCH

  And you know Mr. Mukens is a regular preacher, Baptist I think it is, a regular preacher with a license. Don’t you know that?

  MR. YOST

  I never hear tell of it before.

  MR. WADE

  Are you a reverend, Mr. Mukens? I declare, I never knowed that.

  MR. MUKENS

  Not Baptist. Disciples of Christ.

  MR. LERCH

  Now that there just goes to show; Mr. Wade, how much of a kick these preachers is really got.

  MR. WADE

  Of course, now, I’m for the Christian burial.

  MR. LERCH

  Why, certainly, Mr. Wade, everybody is for Christian burial. What I mean is, everybody is for putting them away Christian. Me, I don’t see no difference between burying them and cremating them, just so they get put away Christian. When I go, it don’t make no difference to me what they do with me, just so they say a Christian prayer over me, like of that.

  MR. WADE